Valerie Bertinelli's Bertinelli Estates

Say Valerie Bertinelli/Linda Cardellini ten times fast

Valerie Bertinelli is zooming onto this HSN show in front of a stock photo of a wine cellar while talking to two hosts who are on the famous drug crack cocaine. One of her dozen cats lies asleep next to her. She is practically swimming in those huge glasses. A cross is fastened to her chest.

On the other side of the screen is an Australian man smashing a bottle of Bertinelli Estates rosè over his head due to the criminally low 12.99 price point, alongside a woman — sporting the most “I got a modern haircut” haircut she admits is from a wig in a can — in tears over the crispness of that chardonnay.

Nevertheless, Valerie looks like she is accepting a Presidential Medal of Freedom. She is a pro! That is Valerie Bertinelli, TV’s harm reduction specialist.

Valerie Bertinelli is an ideal fit for an HSN line. She already has a six-piece bake and serve set so you can do pies and squares. I’m sure they approached her for another deal and she was like, I can’t bring another shawl into this world… what about wine? I feel like celebrities aren’t really doing QVC/HSN deals anymore because they can just sell diarrhetic teas from their own Instagrams. Post-Joan, there really is only Casa Zeta Jones. BTW, why does QVC list Catherine Zeta Jones as “the star of Chicago, The Mask of Zorro, and Cocaine Godmother”? What the hell is Cocaine Godmother? Is a 2017 Lifetime movie really her third most famous credit?

Valerie’s ongoing relationship with HSN makes sense. Valerie has always been a sitcom star rather than a sitcom star who wants to be a movie star. She famously got her break as a child on One Day at a Time, but never really rose to a bigger venue. Sure, she was married to Eddie Van Halen in the ‘80s and for a time was trying on the rocker-chick fit. But the Courtney Love act didn’t work. Valerie carries the original sin that banished her to a Hollywood Square or a TV movie about a child who gets kidnapped at Kmart. Her work is the definition of a show you watch on the smallest yet loudest Vizio in a doctor’s office. 

I don’t mean this derogatorily. People turn their noses up at the sitcom as a hack genre. But throughout her career, Valerie has proven there’s more to it. That there is a precision and a style, and certainly not everyone has it. Valerie seems to genuinely enjoy the trashy glamour of the multi-cam (hence, the HSN deal).

I really do love Valerie Tortellini. I didn’t know her originally from One Day At a Time, because I am 17 years old. But Hot In Cleveland was great. I mean, it is not unique for a gay man to like a sitcom where the premise is: older women talking. Valerie brought a presence that didn’t sell out the show. As the son of a sitcom writer, and the lovechild of Norman Lear and Leah Remini, I feel like I understand Valerie on a cellular level. There’s a desperation and a delusion I find #relatable. She is Valerie Cherish from The Comeback. She is the sitcom star Kate Berlant plays in Would It Kill You to Laugh? It’s The Lot, it’s my agent in the Valley, it’s the first look deal, it’s Burbank, baby (“Burbank, Baby” is also the new Lana Del Ray song I leaked from her USB).

Valerie founded Bertinelli Estates in 2017 in collaboration with Sonoma Coast Vineyards. In addition to the sangiovese, she has a red blend, a rosé, a cabernet sauvignon and a chardonnay.

Valerie is a total Italian chic@. As she told those HSN hosts, who have started frothing at the mouth, her great grandmother was a gelato maker from San Remo. The White Lotus wishes. And in fact, her wine label is the family’s crest. She added cats to the top because: cuteness overload!

There is something beautifully and unabashedly tacky about this wine. As she tells the HSN hosts, who are now frantically searching for water to relieve their coke mouths, she once had to dump a bottle of $1000 wine because it was too tannic. She is just a normal girl! She doesn’t know about wine wine. She knows about getting tipsy on the biggest kitchen island you’ve ever seen.

This wine also works because apparently Valerie’s latest turn is as a cooking show host. This happened under my large Jewish nose but apparently Valerie hosts 17,000 Food Network shows including Valerie’s Home Cooking, Family Food Showdown, Family Restaurant Rivals, Kids Baking Challenge, Toddlers in Turduckens, Where Did my Husband Put the Food Processor, and everyone’s favorite Did I Finally Get My Syndication Check?

The flagship series, Valerie’s Home Cooking, is already in its 12th season despite premiering in 2015. I drank this wine on Tuesday alongside Valerie BirthrightTrip’s Penne Arabiata recipe from the episode Best Girls’ Night In. Valerie is still great onscreen. I was expecting something tedious like Selena+Chef. But Valerie was a pro. The bitch was out here julienning! This persona was closer to Ina than anyone. She is a chic 62 year old woman who spiritually belongs in Montecito but only has Hollywood Hills money.

As she says in the episode, “Good food and wine don’t just feed family or friends. They create smiles and memories.” I would not be following Valerie’s advice. I would be making pasta for one and washing it down with the sweetest wine imaginable, for business certainty not for pleasure.

I will be honest. I think the HSN hosts on the drug crack cocaine misled me. Bertinelli Estates is not very good. The sangiovese was incredibly sweet and lacked any tannic structure you would expect from the grape. It had some nice notes of stewed cherry and leather, but the amount of sugar honestly overwhelmed my palate.

Perhaps that’s the trap of the sitcom star’s wine. It looks great onscreen but when you meet it in person you realize it’s a bit unhinged.

Well, she’s mother for that one!