Taraji P. Henson's Seven Daughters Moscato

Waiting for Jussie Smollett's Cabernet Franc

Happy Wednesday!

No one really noticed that I took last week off. Which I’m sort of like… why weren’t you all storming the capital? I think I’ll stick to this every-other-week schedule unless my editor (me in a wig) tells me something different.

Taraji P. Henson, I’ll admit, is a pretty boring celebrity. She is one of these A-list women who wins fake awards and advocates for mental health and does sponcon for Dubai. Boring! Reader, I wish I could tell you she ran over a dog even once.

Thinking about Jussie, perhaps?

And yet, I think she’s a really great actress, especially in comedies (those figures will remain hidden). She’s endlessly watchable. In fact, you can endlessly watch her in all those CBS All-Access dramas she is probably currently starring in. What I love about Taraji’s comedies is that any of them could be from 2002 but were actually released last week. They’re so much better than her period films about white and black people getting along actually. Her comedies are about having thin eyebrows. They’re about battles of the sexes. And that’s what we want from a rom-com. It’s why I loved the new Bridget Jones movie than, say, that Reese Witherspoon-Will Ferrell algorithm garbage. You go into one of these movies and just know Taraji is going to be holding up huge granny-panties before a date and saying “ummm, we’re going shopping.” And you’re going to be laughing.

Some examples: Think Like a Man, What Men Want, Think Like A Man Too. Taraji has starred in exactly two films inspired by the advice books of Steve Harvey. You read that right. The characters are all reading his book in the film! It made me think, movies can be about a lot of things. Roger Ebert, in his two star review, wondered, “can you believe for a moment in characters naive enough to actually live their lives following Steve Harvey's advice?” Yes, I can.

If you think about it, her Seven Daughters moscato is kind of the Think Like a Man of celebrity wine. Except, instead of being inspired by Steve Harvey’s philosophies on life, Taraji was inspired to create the brand after, quote, visiting Italy. So if you ever get lost when you’re talking about why Taraji was inspired to create her moscato company, just remember Italy=Steve Harvey’s book. As she said in an interview, “while I was there, I was able to engage with local wine experts and learn more about the culture of wine. It inspired me to go a bit deeper and uncover more information on the many different wines, including Moscato, a wine I’ve enjoyed for years.” I love when celebrities tell lies.

God I’m so bored. My mind is now just imagining how Taraji found out about Jussie Smollett’s fake hate crime-ing. Have they had lunch since he got out of prison? She did liken his conviction to Emmett Till a few years back. Yikes!

Right, right, back to the moscato. How Taraji really got the idea for it was that Terlato Wine Group, which owns her brand, approached her in exchange for a lot of money and very little effort. I’d be inspired by that too. Terlato is one of the largest wine companies in California and is responsible for introducing Pinot Grigio to America in the 70s, which means they are technically responsible for the A-tier Lady Gaga song “Grigio Girls.”

As someone who was cursed in another life wrote for the wine’s press release, the collaboration between Taraji and Terlato is built on a shared philosophy: “Celebrate it All,” “Never Settle” and “Strength in Numbers.” What does that mean? This also happens to be my philosophy for bowel movements.

And yet, even as she promotes her fake brand, she can’t help but be adorable. There she is on the Today Show with Jenna in a fuck ass bob making a Tarajirita! (which is just a margarita with a splash of Seven Daughters, so just a sweeter margarita). Taraji seems totally committed to the bit — although, this wine was released at the end of 2024, so there’s still plenty of time for her to give up as is every celebrity vintner’s right. She seems to actually like this product, or, at least, is good at faking it (like the orgasm she probably has in the plot of Think Like a Man Too).

So how is Seven Daughters? It’s pretty good. It’s not as heavy and as syrupy as Nicki Minaj’s moscato. It’s much more delicate, with a slight effervescence. It has notes of peach and the acidity of orange zest. All in all, it’s not so cheesy. I’d happily drink it again, maybe the next time someone hires me to hate-crime them for publicity. This is MAGA country, I’ll say in gay voice. Cheers!