Katy Perry's De Soi Non-Alcoholic Aperitif
Zero-proof piss
This week I am trying Katy Perry’s line of non-alcoholic aperitifs. They come in three flavors: Golden Hour, Purple Lune and Champignon Dreams ($6.50 per 8 oz can; $25 per bottle).
A lot of people don’t know this, or maybe they do, but I am a KatyCat. Teenage Dream is obviously one of the best pop albums. Ur So Gay is the greatest piece of art about a toxic metrosexual, and iconically begins with the line I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf. And I honestly really liked her universally-panned 2020 album Smile. When I hula, hula/ So good you take me to the jeweler, jeweler? Genius.
Katy is often maligned for being a silly goose. Sure, she can sacrifice sartorial elegance to get her tacky little nut. But she occupies a very particular niche in pop music: she is just plain stupid, in the best possible way. Who else can we say that about? Remember when she wore a mermaid costume on American Idol and fell out of her chair?
Katy founded De Soi (pronounced De - Swa, meaning “chaga latte” in Simlish) earlier this year with Morgan McLachlan, who also produces the highly trendy Amass Gin label in Downtown LA. DISTILL LOCALLY, PEOPLE!!
I picked up four cans of De Soi this week at Boisson, a new non-alcoholic bottle shop on Bleecker street in the West Village. It was odd entering this facsimile of a wine store, albeit without the wine. Six-packs of zero-proof IPAS sat next to glass bottles of, like, rosemary shrub.
Boisson is not even the first non-alcoholic bottle shop in the city. There’s also Spirited Away, where Countess Luann has been saying she will release her alcohol-free Fosè for — at this point — years. And LA has Soft Spirits in Silverlake.
I have honestly been skeptical of non-alcoholic cocktails. Take away the alcohol and what are you left with? Jamba Juice. It’s like smoking those candy cigarettes (honestly bring those back) and telling me it’s raining. I feel secure enough with myself to drink water when I want something non-alcoholic thankyouverymuch.
Each De Soi can is 8 oz, half as much as a beer can. It looks so gay, to quote Katy Perry. The depravity of drinking this little guy at a party is beyond even me.
It’s about the size of a standard cocktail though, and when you pour it into a glass it camouflages nicely.
Most of the appeal of De Soi is its trendy, minimalist vibe. The typeface is the de rigeur subway ad sans serif. It’s clean and squiggly. But it’s also sort of cottage core. We are the daughters of the typefaces you could not burn.
The cocktail is branded as a wellness drink, which feels contradictory. De Soi is tincture city: Golden Hour alone contains maca, L-theanine derived from green tea, elderflower extracts and other witch brews. The De Soi website even has a glossary of some 40 fake ingredients they put in these drinks (who the hell is Tulsi Basil). It’s like, get our your lyres, the hotties are turning into hobbit nymphs.
I bought all the flavors De Soi makes: Golden Hour, which has a citrus profile; Purple Lune, with a cherry profile; and Champignon Dreams.
Both the Champignon Dreams and Purple Lune were, respectfully, ass. They tasted like biting into a Le Labo Candle. Those botanicals just don’t transfer from nose to mouth. I found the Champignon to just be Martinelli’s and the Purple Lune to just be cherry Coke. Is this what all these non-alcoholic cocktails taste like? Adult juice boxes?
But I was kind of convinced by Golden Hour. It tasted like a cocktail in that it tasted difficult. The top notes of lemon balm give it that bitter bite you might find from a botanical gin. Unlike the other two in the line, the Golden Hour was not chuggable, which I mean as a compliment. You have to sip in small increments, like you would a good drink.
Look, no one drinks anymore. The alcohol-substitute market is something like an $800 million industry, and now I’m wearing a pencil skirt and giving a powerpoint presentation. Everything now is a zero-proof goddamn cider. But it’s fine. Alcohol is gross and cutting back is good. I honestly wouldn’t drink much if it weren’t for this newsletter (yes, I’m a martyr).
But I don’t think this non-alcoholic juicey-juice will replace the social function of alcohol. I think it’s a mistake that De Soi markets itself as being good for you. Alcohol has capital precisely because it’s, well, toxic. We drink it and we know: this is bad. I’m bad. Alcohol is only cool because it’s quite literally trying to kill.
There’s nothing devious about a can of pants piss. It should at least contain some radiation, or like, make your face break out?? I wanted something naughtier from Mrs. Perry-Bloom!
Companies are certainly trying to bottle the threat of alcohol without the alcohol. I’ve recently been seeing people drink Liquid Death, a bottle of water disguised in a tall-boy Modelo can. It’s pretty wicked marketing, even when you realize your friend is actually not punk and just drinking water.
But the squiggly minimalism of De Soi just doesn’t really work for me. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol alternative. I just wish it was actually an alternative.