Kaitlyn Bristowe's Spade and Sparrows
Take off your premium North American made scrunchies, we’re getting blacked out.
I must confess, I am not a part of Bachelor Nation. Many have tried to bring me into the fold, but I, for one, enjoy the plight of delusional old women, not young ones. Every Bachelor is named, like, Jarrock, and looks like they would have a fruitful career in gay-for-pay pornography. It just doesn’t scratch my itch.
So it is hard for me to gauge Kaitlyn Bristowe’s fame. Is she as famous as the most famous Housewife? The most famous Survivor? I asked my friend Charlotte, who has a work visa in Bachelor Nation, if she knew of this dater-cum-winetrepreneur: the answer was yes. Apparently Kaitlyn is a fixture of the ABC cinematic universe; an OG #relatable girl who was “funny because she makes sex jokes.”
Bachelor Nation met Kaitlyn in 2015 as a humble Canadian spin instructor, ultimately finishing the season in third place. Canadian spin instructors are the backbone of American reality shows and the automation created by Peloton is putting our women out of work.
She became a darling when she took her turn as the Bachelorette the following season. Kaitlyn made history by being the first Bachelorette to FUCK on her one-on-one date. Trailblazer!
After The Bachelor, Kaitlyn competed on Dancing with the Stars and randomly won (highlights include a Cruella-themed Pasodoble to Rihanna’s Disturbia).
Quite remarkably though, Kaitlyn is still embraced by Bachelor Nation, notoriously quick to eat their own. Charlotte says Kaitlyn toes the line between the trad husband-loving chicks and the slithery I’m-not-here-to-make-friends girls who burn up rather quickly.
I think the reason for Kaitlyn’s success comes from the way she mirrors the audience. For a reality program to be good, there has to be one person with some level of sanity with which we, the viewer, can empathize. Kaitlyn is a hot mess, just like us. She puts her Alo sweatpants on one leg at a time. She just wants to drink wine and be random with her girlfriends.
Kaitlyn has parlayed her reality TV success into Full Buccal Jacket. Where do you go if you have a Bored Ape Yacht Club hubby whose full name is Jason T. and two adorkable golden retrievers? It’s no longer Studio City. It’s Nashville. And Kaitlyn might be the most bar-stool Nashville cantina chica ever. Kaitlyn is a specimen scientists will be studying for years to come. She is the Vitruvian Man of the Southeast United States. Kaitlyn is Kristen Cavallari if she had a love child with a spicy margarita.
In addition to her wine label, Kaitlyn runs a line of “premium North American made Scrunchies” called … Dew. There are famously so many words in the English language. Why would you name your company something so close to doody? Plus, JoJo Siwa has a copyright on all hair clips.
Kaitlyn is the definition of a girl who has a shirt with a quippy line about being a slut for pinot etc. etc. In her defense, wine really is her personality. She released a dreadful song in 2020 called “If I’m Being Honest” which begins with the line, “Maybe I drink a little more wine than I should...” She hosts a podcast called Off The Vine with a gay person named Lo Vondrumpf (who also, incidentally, is the villain of a Scandinavian fairytale). The premise is simple: each week they invite on a hot guru to talk about everything from mental health to skinny popcorn.
“It’s time to unwind,” a female voice shouts at us before each episode. Any time a bottle is popped or a glass refilled, it’s done right next to the mic so the sound can be picked up. Apparently, this podcast is quite popular, with some 500,000 downloads per episode.
There’s a really insightful Washington Post article about Kaitlyn’s Off The Vine podcast tour she did in 2019 and her fan base of, get this, ‘Vinos’ (the casual alcoholism lingo is incredible): "Fans see them at their most vulnerable as they compete to fall in love, which often leads to rejection,” the Post wrote. I think I agree. As Kaitlyn herself said at the time, “I think they’re just more forgiving because they’ve seen you already break down and make out and share your deepest darkest secrets.”
And from the podcast’s success, Bristowe launched her own wine label, Spade and Sparrows, in May of 2019. Is there anything more hellish than a wine label birthed from a podcast? The label includes the Holy Trinity of chica varietals: a Pinot Grigio, a rosé and a Pinot Noir, all from California (where, specifically, the bottle does not enlighten).
Spade and Sparrows is a great name because it could easily be any Millennial product and if you say it ten times it loses its meaning entirely. ‘Spade’ is taken from her love of cards. ‘Sparrows’ from her fear of birds.
I watched a “virtual hangout” and wine tasting that Kaitlyn hosted in 2020 timed for the launch of her wine club. Four sclerotic Canadian Spade and Sparrows employees shimmied in Zoom boxes to Beyonce’s “7/11,” clutching their glasses of Pinot Grigio as if it was the Statue of Liberty’s torch. Kaitlyn arrived late (she had just been wake-boarding) but looked dewey as ever. She flipped through the dozens of Zoom boxes and addressed her most loyal fans:
“Chrissy in Des Moines I really love your hair color, it suits you.”
“Wow — there are two Sarahs with dogs!” (all Sarahs have dogs).
I drank some of the wines alongside Kaitlyn and her hot sommelier friend Jaclyn Misch, who happened to be a Survivor contestant. We started with the Pinot Grigio. This wine was exactly what you would expect: creamy, floral, not too acidic.
Then, the Pinot Noir. Honestly, this one was not bad. It had almost a spice from the oak, with some bright red fruit. It’s not something I would ever buy, but more power to her.
“How drunk you on a scale of 1 to 10?” an employee asks Kaitlyn, because that’s what her fans desire. She starts telling a story about how Jason T. is a messy drunk and I have to shut my computer.
This is HILARIOUS. Bravo!