Jon Bon Jovi's Hampton Water
In which I ponder the sanctity of last names.
This week I am reviewing Jon Bon Jovi’s Hampton Water rosè from 2020, a blend of grenache, cinsault and syrah ($20.99 at Village Vintner).
Hampton Water is very discretely a Bon Jovi joint. It’s not like SJP wine, or Coppola wine, which announces itself instantly as a celebrity venture. The label features a midcentury babe in a one-piece diving into the pale pink wine. With the moniker of Hampton Water, it feels like Bon Jovi is trying to attract a market broader than just Bon Jovi fans (fair). Instead, he’s going for the grandma-core 32-year-olds at the Surf Lodge. And largely, he succeeds on this front. The name here makes sense: Hampton Water is about as memorable as the stuff from the tap. The appeal is abundance, not a strong flavor profile. It’s a slight wine: a bit tart and with subtle notes of rose and strawberry. It’s a bit too sweet for my palate. If I had my pick, I’d reach for the Kylie Minogue.
Hampton Water is primarily a project by Jon Bon Jovi’s son, Jesse Bongiovi. The revelation that the rocker’s name is actually spelled Bongiovi and not Bon Jovi has shaken me. Is this a known fact? Why is his stage name just a homophone of his real name? It’s not like this was an Ellis Island name change from Bongioviberg. Call me old fashioned: I don't think you should play fast and loose with last names.
We must also remember that Jon Bon Jovi is married to a karate instructor. I do not know where to add that in this piece, but it would go against all journalistic ethics if I ignored it.
Jesse Bongiovi, who co-created this wine, is not Jake Bongiovi, who is iconically dating Millie Bobby Brown. Jesse Bongiovi is Jon Bon Jovi’s ugly son. If I was Bon Jovi’s normal-looking offspring, I would be, in a word: pissed. Imagine your dad was this ‘80s sex symbol and you just looked like a Shutterstock photo of “man wearing chinos.” I mean, epic fail!!! Jesse seems like the Alex Moffat character Guy Who Just Bought a Boat.
I wonder what the children of celebrities think of their parents. Are they like, thank you for being famous, that was such a good idea. Listen, I’m not one of these TikTok nepotism despots who categorically hates celebrity offspring for their inherited leg up. I mean, of course I have a vested interest in fighting for them: my mother is Casey Anthony. I know the struggles. Paraphrasing Gwyneth Paltrow recently, nepotism makes you work twice as hard to make a half-as-good rosè.
Jesse Bongiovi recently got engaged to Jesse Light, who produced Forever Summer: Hamptons on Amazon. Coincidentally, I actually made television history by becoming the only person to watch this show. I mean, it’s so boring. It’s about a group of 18-to-22 year olds who dry hump in Montauk for a summer (which was so clearly not filmed in the summer because it’s always overcast and they’re always shivering). It is the least compelling reality TV show I have ever seen. If one of the characters said, hey I have evidence proving the government assassinated J.F.K., the other might respond, oh haha. Anyways, how are you and Kelseigh? Also, the way the characters look so indecently pubescent makes me think Jesse Light is a pervert.
But it’s interesting how tied the Bon Jovis (the Bongiovis?) are to the Hamptons. I wouldn’t really expect this from a canonical Jersey figure like Jon. Toms River ain’t enough of a vacation spot for you, buddy?? An 80s hair metal rocker doesn’t feel like he’d fit in there, or would be the type to make a gay ass rosè like Hampton Water.
But then again, I don’t know very much about Bon Jovi’s music because I don’t have a father (and, remember, my mother is Casey Anthony). I really only know the songs that were featured on Rock Band. And randomly, I’ve discovered ‘80s hair metal is not my jam. I just don’t have the ear for it. There’s something so tacky about the music. I mean, Guns N’ Roses obviously sucks. The lyrics, the music production, the teased hair. It’s all so silly. I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SCREAM!! Ok, girl. No one thinks: Axl Rose? He’s hardcore. We all know they’re just stick-thin men in leather pants prancing around to power chords.
But there’s something I simultaneously find endearing about this genre. I mean, Bon Jovi’s power chords are just good. “Wanted Dead Or Alive” is undeniable. It’s funny how, well, gaudy the music is and yet how seriously it takes itself. Everything is melodramatic, so profoundly uncool. But Bon Jovi makes no qualms about this: as their Spotify biography notes, the band “cannily and subtly changed their sound to fit the time.” They are a product of record label testing. They were engineered as posers, and therefore, cannot be sellouts. This model has certainly paid off: Bon Jovi made $134 million touring in 2019. In 2019! If anything is still the monoculture, it’s Bon Jovi.
So maybe it makes sense that Bon Jovi would make this rosè. The general appeal of it; the lameness of it. I mean, what is less cool than the Hamptons? Look, I have never really been, and, sure, how can you hate from outside of the club, you can’t even get in? My cousins have a house there, but they refuse to invite me. But in my head, I have an idea of the place. It’s a straight mecca. There’s something so quintessentially fratty about a bar collectively singing the opening lines to “Livin’ On A Prayer”: Tommy used to work on the docks… Pink neon signs hang on the wall, promising Good Vibes Only. A row of women in Hill House Home dresses sip Hampton Water. Sometimes, I want this for myself.