Idris Elba's Porte Noir Champagne
People's Sexiest Champagne of the Year
Has anyone ever seen an Idris Elba movie? Like that girl on the plane, I do not believe they are real. Allegedly, his films have grossed $10 billion at the box office but I beg you to name even one of them. I really only know him as a person who is on a list to maybe play James Bond in the future when the rights get sold to Temu Studios.
I think his acting career might be a figment of my imagination. I went to an AMC hoping to see Beast (2022), where he fights a beast, or maybe he is a beast, but then they told me I was insane and to please leave (granted, I wasn’t wearing pants at the time).
I think the man known as ‘Idris Elba’ is a conspiracy theory cooked up by horny 50-plus straight women. He is catnip to them, and only them. He makes even a Charlotte turn into a Samantha. He has been named the Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine a record one billion times and “Rear of the Year” by the fine people of England. And sure, he is sexy, a classification that carries with it a list of responsibilities greater than just being hot. This is an important distinction. Idris is not a heartthrob: there is not a teen girl with a photo of him in her bedroom. To be sexy he must be a Renaissance man: he must wear heather v-necks while also giving you a back massage while also grilling a tomahawk steak medium-rare. He puts the bone in Rag & Bone.
Idris is suave personified. In addition to being an “actor,” he is an EDM DJ, knows about Burgundy wine and has a charity about ending knife stabbings in England… and now I need to change my panties. Get you a man who can play an Ethereum-backed music festival on Mallorca in the morning and then accept a fake humanitarian award in Zurich at night. This is why he is on that list to maybe be the next James Bond one day, opposite a Bond Girl born on Bezos’s terraformed Mars.
So it only makes sense that Idris has a totally sexy Blanc de Blancs champagne called Porte Noir (‘black door’ in English). The label is sleek and simple, with a silver door on a black background. He founded the brand after he took a trip to the Côte des Blancs region of Champagne in 2018 and the whole thing got so horny and steamy that the grapes just sort of auto-erotically fermented themselves into a well-balanced grand cru. It was only available at SoHo Houses in London for years, which makes sense. In addition to the champagne, he started making “a gorgeous, gorgeous little rosé” from Provence in 2020 and a cognac last year.
Idris, the sex god he is, also fashions himself a food guy. You know: food is an aphrodisiac, experts say. He opened up the Porte Noir wine bar in London a few years ago that’s so slutty-girl-circa-2011 coded the menu should be pay per view. There’s arancini and pappardelle and melt-in-your mouth tuna tataki …. and now I’m pregnant.
But the reviews have been pretty dismal. A reporter in The Independent said the duck liver parfait was “so cold and surprisingly bland” and that she was surprised to find herself “surrounded by tech and finance bros, all bro-mancing one another over glasses of wine and charcuterie boards under low lighting.” Where are the hot chicks? Why are they not moaning over truffle steak tartare? It’s a complete waste of everyone’s time.
But the reviewer was much more positive about the wine. And I have to agree. The grand cru I tried recently was a really finessed and elegant champagne, with saline minerality that tasted like a soft sea breeze. The wine finished with white flowers and green apples that cut through the richness of the brioche-y bubbles. Ladies: you know that feeling when the champagne is so good you want to watch Molly’s Game?