Gene Simmons' MoneyBag Wine

Find it in your local Saskatoon supermarket

“Men want success and sex. Women want everything.” ― Gene Simmons

I am writing this from a lie-flat seat on my Qatar Airways flight from Cedar Rapids to Los Angeles. We are only making one stop in Doha. I think I do my best writing on planes, where someone next to me could possibly be watching Ocean’s 8.

Sometimes I just know when a celebrity has a wine brand. There are markers. Maybe they still post videos on Facebook; maybe they had a reality show in 2007 that is not available for streaming; maybe they have a Wikipedia with an extensive “controversies” section that makes you feel kind of bad for spending $50 dollars on a single bottle.

So I was not surprised to find out about MoneyBag Wines. And I was also not shocked to find out that it’s very hard to purchase MoneyBag Wines outside of Eastern Europe and not through Bitcoin.

This is because Gene Simmons, lead singer of KISS, has DVD-with-bonus-commentary energy. You know he has a huge mansion in Las Vegas with an even bigger leather couch. He is frozen in the time of his 2006 A&E reality show, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, which ran for seven riveting seasons. The show is about him being married to Shannon Tweed, a former Playboy Bunny, and talking about boobs. The names of the episodes are things like "Sexercise!" and “Food or Sex?" I watched the pilot illegally (BECAUSE I’M ROCK AND ROLL) and it was about Gene going to the Hooter’s Casino opening and then coming back.

This persona makes sense. KISS is not a cool band. Does anyone actually listen to them, save for men with soul patches? Gene Simmons seems to only be adored in second-tier Canadian cities. I can’t explain the reason for this, but look: His wife was the third runner-up in Miss Ottawa 1978. He was given the key to the city in Winnipeg. His MoneyBag vodka is brewed in Calgary and his MoneyBag soda is made and exclusively sold in the Niagara Falls area. He puts the ‘eh’ in A&E.

And because of his random Canadian energy, the MoneyBag wines website looks like it was the first website ever created. It contains only one piece of information, which contains no information: “The wine is known for its high quality and unique taste, and has quickly become a favorite. Originating from the world-renowned UNESCO World Heritage region of Piedmont, Italy, this area is known for its high-quality wines.”

I call him “the boss”

I could only find one place where he ever talked about his wine, in a 15-second sizzle reel on Youtube: “you open up one of these babies and you’ll understand what heaven in a bottle looks like and tastes like.” (ok he said I’ll t-t-take you to the garden of eden)

There’s also an Instagram page that has four photos (all from 2024 or 2025), two of which promote the wine in different Norwegian towns above the Arctic Circle. Every photo has 5 likes except for the one in Svalbard that has 4,839 likes.

There is not a single article online about MoneyBag wines. I don’t know when he started it, why or how. I do know that Gene Simmons doesn’t drink and fans on Reddit called him a sellout over the wine. As he has said: “I simply don’t like the taste or the smell of anything with alcohol in it. I have never been drunk in my life and have never taken more than a sip of anything, and hated it every time.” And then he grabbed his crotch and fell off a stage in Regina.

Gene gave this response to a local Calgary newspaper: “People seem to have a misconception of how life works. It’s very bizarre to me. I don’t personally like spinach souffle, but if you’d like a spinach souffle at Rock and Brews” — a restaurant he founded with bandmate Paul Stanley in a casino in Wisconsin — “we’ll make you one. What does what I like have to do with what people should have?”

Sure, one could respond: Gene, no one needed or even asked you to make wine or spinach soufflé in the first place. But at least he’s being honest. He calls his brand MoneyBags for a reason. His fans need him to sellout because they will buy anything. I mean, this is someone who offers a lucky person to be his personal assistant for a day on KISS’s farewell tour (yeah right) — for $12,000.

Where’s the hard-rock pigs blood? Where’s the laser show? Maybe Gene Simmons is Banksy and this is actually very conceptual art. All his companies are very cheesy and Temu-coded. His vodka bottle is shaped like, you guessed it, a bag of money. At Rock and Brews in Wisconsin, which is basically Canada, he serves items like “rockin’ taco salad” “we salute you pulled chicken sandwich” and “extreme pepperoni pizza.”

I’ll be honest and tell you guys I didn’t have high hopes for MoneyBag wines. I ordered the Arneis, though they also make a Barbera. And after a month, it arrived. My first thought was wow! This is incredibly sweet. There were hints of citrus and peach and green apple but mostly it tasted like sweet. I hope no one ever has to drink this, though I am not too worried about that.

Keep calm and rock out!