Fergie's Ferguson Crest Vineyards
Merry Christmas everyone. Santa brought me a pair of big blue shoes!
On December 9, 2009, Fergie was born. And on that day, she uttered two words heard around the world: “Be Italian.”
It was an anthem. It was a cry. Be Italian, she sang sensually. Be Italian, she sang proudly. Be Italian, she sang longingly.
Children were singing the song at graduations. At weddings! At funerals!
Nine, the movie-musical inspired by Fellini’s 8 1/2, was released a week after Avatar (which begs the question… where is Nine 2: 10?). Because of this, many people did not get to experience Fergie’s textured performance as an Italian prostitute named Saraghina.
But having played an Italian prostitute, Fergie learned a thing or two about wine (good transition #1).
Fergie founded Ferguson Crest Vineyards in 2006 with her father Pat Ferguson in the region of Southern Italy known as Solvang, California. It was her dad that laid the groundwork for the vineyard, in a Miranda Lambert sort of way. After retiring from being a high school teacher and football coach, Pat moved to Solvang and began growing Syrah grapes. Allegedly, Fergie urged her dad to add Viognier and Cabernet Sauvignon, thus beginning Ferguson Crest.
Do we really believe Fergie was out here measuring pH and recommending which grapes her father grow? Fergie, obviously, is not that interested in owning a winery and instead wants to humor her simple-minded father. As she told California Wine Club, “My dad works there every day, but I join in for the annual harvest grape picking weekend, which is so much fun.” Imagine Fergie stomping on grapes. I bet she really likes it in a way that’s, like, kinda weird? Here is a boomerang of Fergie liking stomping grapes in a big hat and drop-crotch sweatpants.
Fergie honestly means a lot to me. The one time I got into a car accident was when I was trying to turn on “Imma Bee” while driving. I find it fascinating how unknowable she is. I implore you to find someone who gets what Fergie’s entire deal is. Her personal life feels like a black hole. She’s not secretive per se, she just doesn't make any earthly sense. Take an interview she did with a random radio station about role-playing with Josh Duhamel: “I run around my house like I’m a ninja pirate or I’m Supergirl meets Batgirl.” Wait, Fergie is having ninja pirate sex? Genuinely, who the fuck is she.
Everything about her is bizarre. No one knows her fame level: does the singer of “Boom Boom Pow” really deserve to be billed higher than Kate Hudson in Nine? I genuinely don’t know! I think Fergie would like to be Saraghina, the id seductress of song and screen. But in reality, she is Sarah Ann Ferguson of Hacienda Heights. Fergie wants to be sexy. Stacy Ann Ferguson is not. She is Rachel Dolezal-ing as someone with a big ass and curves but in reality is a straight line down.
There’s a painful seriousness to her sultry performance of self that gets translated as an awkward dissonance. But it’s her trying that makes it special. She is always in leather pants, doing gyrational dance moves that feel violent. It’s like if Taylor Swift joined Wu-Tang Clan.
The discordance between how Fergie perceives herself (well) and how the world perceives Fergie (unwell) has produced some amazing cultural moments. I mean, there was M.I.L.F $. And, of course, there was the time she re-wrote the national anthem at an NBA game. Then there was the time she became addicted to flipping in leather pants to Barracuda on the Today show.
But I think the moment that most gets overshadowed in Fergie’s long career as an insane person is her flipping in leather pants to Live and Let Die on a 2007 CBS televised concert called Movies Rock. Pls watch the whole video. She is introduced by Danny Devito, unclear as to why. Immediately, she starts gyrating hard to a Wings song. But midway through, she is up! She is flying through that CBS studio! This is like the Wright Brothers all those years ago only better.
Just when you thought she was down for good, she is back up! And she is spinning so fast you can only see a blur of leather and hair extensions. She is screaming. Rock and roll is not dead!
Unlike rock and roll, Pat Ferguson is dead (good transition #2). Fergie’s father died last year and she has since listed the Solvang winery — which includes an estate she and her dad built in 2013 — for 4.25 million. It is still on the market to this day, with a $500,000 price cut.
She hasn’t posted about the wine on her social media since April 17, 2020. They have not produced a new vintage since 2019. Is Fergie canning the project to spend more time releasing another re-release of The Duchess (2006)?
So it made me think: I might be drinking some of the last bottles of Ferguson Crest ever. That’s right. Hug your kids, hug your chosen siblings.
And listen up bitches: the wine was good. Fergie’s wines felt balanced and not overly sweet, which is something I cannot say for other celebrity vintners. I tried three private reserve Ferguson Crests this week: the 2018 Axl Jack red blend (named after her child, Axl Jack Duhamel), the 2019 Grenache and the 2019 Syrah.
The Grenache was 3008: it felt well balanced with nice, bright dark fruit and smoke notes. It was not overly jammy, but did feel a little thin, if anything.
The Syrah was also really nice! It’s not a flavor profile I usually go for, with its bolder, heavier notes of vanilla, pepper oak. But I understood it.
The Axl Jack, however, was a bit 2000 and late. The Grenache-based blend was intensely oaky and barnyard-y, like drinking straw. I couldn’t take more than a sip. But it was the only wine that felt unbalanced, which is a miracle. Pat Ferguson — certainly not Fergie — put time and effort into these wines in a way that impressed me.
As always, LET’S PLAY SOME BASKETBALL!!
