Cara Delevingne's Della Vite Prosecco

The perfect wine for your sober vagina tunnel

Welcome back skinheads. This week I’ll be reviewing Cara Delevingne and her sisters’ Della Vite Prosecco.

I did not know much about the Delevingne sisters before I started doing research on them but I quickly became fascinated by their whole deal. They are from a fancy, British, Saltburn-y family from the early 20th century, the stuff of Viscounts and horse breeders and socialites with “roommates.” The Delevingnes, if British tabloids are an indication, still remain a fixture of London high society to this day. They host cocktail parties and charity galas with Princess Beatrice and Jeffrey Epstein. As the Daily Mail wrote in 2011, “they're so socially ambitious they make the Middletons look shy.” The three sisters — Cara, Poppy and Chloe — debuted in the early 2010s when they became old enough to be called hot on the record. They seem horribly cruel and I’d like to be their friend. I can imagine silently crying after one of them called my haircut “hilarious.”

The sisters circa 2011.

Poppy, the middle sister who was maybe named after her mother’s penchant for heroin (not kidding), gets tabloid coverage for simply walking outside. And if you were worried for a second whether or not she has legs, fear not: she is addicted to “putting on a leggy display,” sometimes even a “VERY leggy display,” so much so that the Daily Mail once called her Poppy “De-LEG-vigne.” Honestly that’s funny.

Chloe, the oldest and therefore the worst, gets covered differently. I don’t know what she did to piss off the Daily Mail editors (two gay toddlers) but here’s a sample of her coverage: “Cara Delevingne's sister Chloe reveals she almost died TWICE from sepsis after giving birth”; “Awkward! Cara Delevingne's sister Chloe ties the knot with the USHER from her first marriage”; “Cara Delevingne's sister Chloe has a smear test LIVE on the BBC.”

Cara is by far the most famous one, for being a model and allegedly an actor. But she is best known for being weird, because she is conventionally attractive but has bushy eyebrows. Being random is kind of her whole thing. I bet she makes her hair into a mustache. And she’s gay! She dated St. Vincent and Ashley Benson (remember the sex bench?) and she is now dating someone named Minke. I love Cara’s glam-for-glam relationships. In her sick world, she’s the butch. She wears backwards snapbacks and trainers (because fuck walking in heels, am I right?) and she definitely describes herself as a tomboy. Cara talks about sex like a college freshman who just learned that money is a social construct: annoyingly and constantly. She once wore a dress to the Met Gala with the phrase “Peg the Patriarchy.” And she was the creative director of a sex toy brand called Lora DiCarlo, which sounds like Leo DiCaprio’s “Adele Dazeem” name.

She pretty much freaks me out. Her house, which she detailed in an Architectural Digest tour, is like a Museum of Ice Cream of lesbianism. It features a neon sign that says “going down,” a vagina tunnel and a room called the Pussy Palace, which she may actually believe is sexy. None of it seems erotic, it’s just literally sex-y. What ever happened to subtlety, people? If you want lesbian architecture, buy hypoallergenic dog stairs from Facebook Marketplace.

Is this sexy to you?

So what do three rich and beautiful British sisters do when they’re bored in the pandemic? Start a Prosecco brand. The girls founded Della Vite (‘from the vine’ in Italian) in 2021 so that they could tell “the real story” of the sparkling wine, which often gets a bad wrap for being not-champagne. Della Vite is all about embracing the wild chica within you and dancing in your socks to The Killers and Lizzo until 10/10:30. It’s all vegan, which is not that unusual for natural wines, and it’s from a solar-powered vineyard. They have a classic Prosecco di Treviso, a Superiore and a sparkling rosé, all of which are made using Glera grapes from Valdobbiadene, known for high-quality Prosecco. Poppy leads on design and branding (“it’s something I really enjoy and it’s my handwriting on the bottle, which feels special”), Cara leads on everything US-based (“she knows all the cool bars and restaurants and where we want DV to be showing up!”) and Chloe leads on business (“she’s good at keeping us on track and she’s also our secret weapon when it comes to doing live TV interviews–nails them every time!”).

But then … in 2022 Cara got papped in front of the Van Nuys airport barefoot and asleep after getting on — and then off of — Jay-Z’s plane. It was dark. She reappeared in a Vogue profile a year later detailing her path to sobriety. Last year, in turn, Della Vite came out with a non-alcoholic Prosecco. Unfortunately, I did not know about the n/a version until after I ordered my sample so I can’t tell you if it’s any good.

But I can tell you about the Treviso. The packaging was cute: it came in a dark bottle with gold accents. But it tasted pretty whack. It was way, way too sweet, especially given the fact that it’s supposed to be extra dry. It had that thick, heavy, dried stone fruit flavor of Manischewitz. It did not go down easy, which is kind of the point of Prosecco.

The only thing less dry than this wine were my eyes after Cara locked me in her Pussy Palace because she thought it would be funny.

xx